Happy Marriage Tip:
Never say
"Get off your lazy fat ass."

The couple had just found our web site and had read the happy marriage tip, showing that to create a happy marriage that lasts, the partners will each have a positivity ratio of 5 to 1.

That means you give your partner 5 positive messages for every negative message (messages of equal weight).

She emailed me asking how much positivity would he need to show her to make up for his angry, insulting words.

Happy Marriage Tip: The Irresolvable Issue

They had an irresolvable issue about her return to work after they had a baby. Before they baby came they both had planned that she would quickly return to work and help maintain their comfortable lifestyle.

After she had the baby, she read a great deal about babies whose mothers worked, versus babies whose mothers stayed home with them.

Whether right or wrong, she formed a strongly held opinion that it would be much better for the baby’s health and well being if they cut back on their lifestyle and she became a ‘stay at home’ mom.

This ‘issue’ quickly became irresolvable. Right or wrong, neither of them were going to change their views. He blamed her for going back on her commitment to him, and she blamed him for not agreeing that it was the best thing they could do for their child.

Happy Marriage Tip: Never fight about irresolvable issues

They failed to recognize that this had become an irresolvable issue, and continued to fight about it.

One evening, when he came home from work, the house had the normal amount of mess that toddler’s homes often have, and, due to a doctor’s appointment, she was late in preparing dinner.

The husband exploded with anger and said to her, “I’m sick and tired of coming home to a pigsty. If you’re too lazy to get off your fat ass and go back to work, you could at least keep a decent house and have dinner ready on time.“

In her email to me, She wanted to know how many negative points did his tirade count for, and how many positive interactions would he have to have to end up with a 5 to 1 positivity ratio?

Positivity and the Point Scale

In my answer, I included the ratings used by Dr. John Gottman et al, in their effort to produce a mathematical model to predict marriage stability and divorce probability in a couple after observing 15 minutes of discussion on some issue that they often disagreed about (from the book “Mathmatics of Marriage”).

Here is the point list for: Weighing Positive Vs. Negative Interactions

In his tirade the husband expressed disgust, anger, contempt, and multiple criticisms of her person (“laziness,” “fat ass”), and of her job performance (housekeeping and cooking). Just using the simplest, single-counting bookkeeping, he easily has exceeded 13 points of negativity toward his wife.

Another Happy Marriage Tip: Research shows that you need a positivity ratio of 5 to 1, so this single tirade might require at least 65 (5 X 13) points of positive interaction to make up for the damage he did with his angry outburst.

Happy Marriage Tip: You Have To Cope With Marriage Problems

Single counting points on a scale is the simplest way to look at the interaction. In addition, she spent several days repeating what he said to her, in her mind.

She heard his tirade again and again in her head for several days. She repeated it one more time when she wrote me the e-mail.

Now, that was her fault. She wasn't using any coping skills to accept, forgive, and stop reliving his tirade.

It also shows the extreme risks involved whenever one uses contempt, disgust, anger, domineering, or belligerence.

In my reply I suggested instead of counting points, she focus on using her coping skills to minimize the damage.

My “Happy Marriage Tip” was for her to consider what he said as a single data point in a huge bank of more positive communications. Another “Happy Marriage Tip” was to ask him if they could agree to consider the subject of her working to be an irresolvable issue, and instead of fighting about it, treat it with acceptance, grace, and humor.

You’ll notice on the chart that humor is a very positive way to express yourself to your partner. Humor is even positive as a tension reducer when you are having a small marital tiff.

Happy Marriage Tip: Repair the Damage After Negativity

I tried to write something that this husband could say that might produce 65 points of positive interaction, and I realized that he would have to take quite a while making enough positive interactions to make up for his one angry tirade. Somehow, while it doesn't show up easily in the point count, I expect that the most valuable “Happy Marriage Tip” I could give him would be to communicate to his wife some or all of the following:

• A deeply felt apology.
• Admission that he was wrong to say what he said, and affirmation that he didn't mean it.
• Commitment to do his best never to use insults, disgust, or contempt again ... if it were within his power to do so.
• Agreement that this issue may be irresolvable, and he would attempt to treat it with grace and humor in the future.
• Acceptance of her right to change her mind about returning to work.
• Appreciation that she was doing what she thought was best for their child, and agreeing that it almost certainly was.
• Acceptance of the need to make whatever adjustments in their life style were necessitated by her decision, without rancor.
• Affirmation of how much he loved her, appreciated her, and wanted their marriage to last forever.
• A humorous offer of token chores he would do to prove how sorry he was e.g. 10 diaper changes, 2 breakfasts in bed, 1 load of wash (whites only), etc.

As you can see, the positivity cost of a single thoughtless tirade is very high. My best “Happy Marriage Tip” to you is to learn and do daily practices that help you become more positive, so you don't run the risk of high cost mis-adventures.

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